A Fallen Angel
by HannahRose24
Summary: When Andy Biersack's depression starts to take over, his band mates from Black Veil Brides take notice. But can they save him from himself? Warnings for self harm, mentions of character death/suicide, and a lot of drama.
1. Chapter 1

The feeling of the cold metal slicing through my pale scarred skin was something I had become used to within the past two years of my life as Andy Biersack, lead singer of Black Veil Brides. The crimson droplets falling down to the tiled floor of the tour bus' bathroom was a welcomed sight. I felt myself grin sickly at my pain. It was the only thing that seemed to be there for me. I finally had control over something, and it felt amazing. I made four incisions, two on each arm. One for the band that doesn't care, one for the family I never see, one for the girl who never loved me, and one for everything else in my life. I heard the soft footsteps of someone in the hall.

A feeling of slight panic washed over me as I swiftly put the blade in my back pocket and stood to clean and bandage the cuts before anyone came in. Luckily, I had locked the door just in case. Just as I was wrapping up my wrists, I heard the door knob shake and a soft knock on the door.

"Andy," the hoarse voice of a tired Ashley called from the other side of the door. I finished the wrap and swiftly unlocked the door, opening the door quickly to see Ashley still propped up against the door frame. He glared at me through his drooping eyes, clearly annoyed.

"What the hell took you so long in there? I have to pee," he whined. My eyes shifted to the floor and I shrugged as if to say it was nothing. I pushed past him as I made my way to my bunk and climbed in, covering my head with the blankets. I knew everyone else was still asleep besides Ashley, so I took the opportunity to pull out my notebook. I used it for everything. It was like a diary, notepad, song lyrics, drawing pad, anything. Most importantly, I used it to vent. I ranted for pages in it because I knew that was the only thing that would listen. And every time I cut, I wrote about it. Every secret of mine was in that thing, so if anyone were to find it, I don't know what I would do. I try not to think about it.

As I wrote about the recent events of the day, I heard Ashley make his way back to his bunk which was right above mine, so I shoved my notebook under the mattress as I did every night. I heard him climb to the top, and soon enough heard his soft snores again. I turned onto my side and curled into a ball. I stared at the wall for a while until I slowly let sleep overtake me, along with the nightmares that haunt my dreams.

I gasped as I woke up from another nightmare. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I opened my curtain and looked at my phone. 7:00 am. I sighed as I looked around. Everyone was still asleep except for Jinxx, who was probably on the phone with Sammi. I walked into the living room area of the bus and sat on the end of the couch, listening to Jinxx's muffled conversation from the kitchen area. I could barely make out what he was saying, but I had good hearing and he spoke loudly.

"Sammi, I don't know. There's just something wrong."

"He hasn't eaten much, we are kind of worried."

"No- he wouldn't Sammi. I'm telling you, he's been weird…"

"No it's just- ok but I- yes dear. He's probably fine. I'm overreacting."

"Yes, you were right. Ok. Ok. Yes. Alright I love you too. Bye darling."

I heard the click of his phone as he walked around the kitchen and I retreated to my bunk, thoughts swirling in my head. That call was definitely about me. He was worried. I understand, I guess. I haven't eaten in a long time, knowing that to lose the disgusting fat on my body, I couldn't eat. I looked terrible. My ribs were protruding and my legs looked like they could snap like toothpicks, but I wasn't satisfied until I was skinny. I usually never even came out of my bunk. I sat in the darkness, where I couldn't be harmed by anyone but myself. I hated how they looked at me. I hated how I was never good enough. I hated myself, and cutting helped me cope with that. None of the other band members knew, and I didn't intend on letting them know. I liked the comfort of my warm, dark, isolated bunk where the world could never find me. So I laid in my bed, staring at the bed above mine, wishing that I had enough courage to just end it all.

I heard each of the guys get up as time went on and make their way to the living room while I sat alone, with nothing but my thoughts to keep my company. No one thought to check on me since my isolation from them had become a regular thing. I heard them talking but I was too far away to fully understand their conversation. As I sat deep in thought, I was startled by the sound of footsteps nearing my bunk, the smell of food wafting through the curtains. My mouth watered, but I told myself to stay strong and that I can't eat until I was skinny. I watched the curtain yank open but didn't turn my head to see who it was. I simply lay on my back, propped up by pillows, staring at nothing in particular.

"You umm, you want some eggs, Andy? Jake made some this morning and I figured you might want some too…" C.C.'s voice trailed off as I looked over at the plate of scrambled eggs with a side of sausage. I refused to make eye contact, in fear that he would be able to tell something was seriously wrong. C.C. had a way of doing that. He could read me pretty well, but I was also a great actor, and simply shook my head and returned to my staring. I heard him sigh and the curtain closed again, leaving me once again to my thoughts.

I must have fallen asleep again, because I awoke a short time later by Ashley's softly shaking my shoulder. I grumbled and glanced at the alarm clock near the wall. 10:00 am. I turned to face the wall, pulling the covers towards my face. Unfortunately, when Ashley wanted me up, he was going to get me up one way or another. He ripped the covers off of me as my body shivered at the sudden rush of cold air. I moaned and sat up.

"Andy, you have to get up. You can't sit here all day, we have a concert tonight. Get up!" I stretched and got up, slowly making my way towards the bathroom. Everyone had been up for a while so they were already ready. I trudged into the bathroom and shut the door. I looked at my appearance in the mirror. My hair was disheveled; my eyes had deep dark bags under them from lack of sleep. I pulled my shirt up to see my ribs looking like they could burst through my skin any second and I felt slightly proud. I looked into my eyes through the mirror. My once icy blue eyes that used to be so full of joy and happiness now were cold and dull like stone. The pain in my eyes was so clear, but only someone who searched for it would be able to tell. I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down, but I knew I couldn't or someone would find out my secrets. I sighed as I undressed to find some clean clothes to wear. I examined my cuts and scars. They were an array of small, long, deep, shallow, red, brown, white, old and fresh scars scattering my arms. The sickest part of it all was that I didn't feel guilty. I deserved it. I always deserved the pain.

I got dressed and hurriedly straightened my hair. I lazily applied a small amount of eyeliner above and below my eyes. I walked out of the bathroom and sat on the edge of my bunk, feet flat on the floor. I picked up my phone and checked for new messages. There was only one from Ashley saying that they had stepped out to get some pizza and they would be back in a bit. I sighed and thought about cutting again, but realized that the odds of someone walking in on me that time was too great. I walked to the couch and pulled out an acoustic guitar I kept on the bus. I was no good at playing, but it helped with song writing and I was extremely bored. I began to strum a few chords, but nothing honestly came to mind for lyrics. Soon enough, I heard the bus door open as the guys all strutted in, pizza in hand, smiling and laughing at each other. Each of them stood in the doorway, slightly shocked to see me out of bed, fully dressed and ready. Jake closed his gaping mouth and cleared his throat.

"Andy! You- you're up, and functioning…" He instantly regretted his choice of words, but I shrugged it off. C.C. and Jinxx seemed happy that I had finally gotten up, Jake was still cursing himself for his word choice, but Ashley just stood with his arms crossed as he frowned. I furrowed my brow at him and sank into the couch a little more. Everyone else went to go eat the pizza while Ashley sat next to me on the couch. I moved as far over as I could to the edge as he watched me.

"Did you eat anything yet?" His eyes searched for mine, while my eyes searched for anything to focus on except his. I shook my head and looked at a particularly interesting piece of string sticking out of the fabric of my shirt. I heard him sigh angrily and stand up, towering over me.

"Andy, what is wrong with you, man? You never eat anything; you don't come out of your bunk. Who knows what you've been doing? What is wrong with you?" He angrily shouted. I looked to him and saw a mixture of anger, pain, confusion, and sympathy washed over his features. Ashley was like a brother to me, he was my best friend. He was just worried and I knew that it pained him to see me like this. I knew I would have done the same. By now the other guys had come into the room, and for some reason, it angered me.

"I don't know, alright? I'm fine, I already ate; just leave me the hell alone! There's nothing wrong with me!" I stood up so that Ashley was lower than me. He wasn't shorter by much, but it was enough to give me confidence. He was much older though, and I felt slightly intimidated. Ashley never usually got angry with me. He stepped towards me, leaving less than a foot between us.

"Biersack, there is something seriously wrong with you. Why the hell are you pushing us away? We are trying to help you-"

"I don't need your help, god damnit!" I thundered. Ashley stepped back, looking as if I had slapped him in the face. I felt guilty, but his anger soon returned.

"I'm done trying to help you then, Biersack. I'm sick of your shit. Go back to your bunk. You can die for all I care." He stormed into the kitchen and I watched as the guys stood in shock over what he had just said. I couldn't breathe. I was so shocked, pained by his words. I felt like he had stabbed me right in my heart, and tears threatened to spill over my face. I knew I couldn't let myself cry, so I turned and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I didn't bother to lock it. I fell into a heap in the corner. He said that I could die and he wouldn't care. No one would care. No one cares about me anyways. Everyone hated me. Ashley hated me. My band hated me. My family hated me. The fans hated me. Juliet hated me. Most of all, I hated me. I was disgusted by myself, and I couldn't take the suffering anymore.

I rummaged through the cabinets for my razor, finally finding it. I sank back into the wall and slid to the floor. A small amount of tears streaked my face. I held the razor to my wrist and made many deep cuts. I winced in pain, but I knew it felt good. It was what Ashley wanted, what everyone wanted, what I wanted. The razor was my paintbrush and my wrist was my canvas. I stopped as I realized how far I had gone. The blood splattered the floor as it gushed like it had never done before. I felt myself get light-headed and just smiled at my handiwork. I sat and waited for the end, because I knew that this time, when I fell asleep, I wouldn't be waking up.

I watched as the door slowly opened and I heard Ashley before I saw him, or he saw me.

"Andy, I'm sorry, I was just worried and- holy shit! Oh my god, someone call 911 now! Hurry! Oh my god, Andy!" He rushed to my side and examined my wrists. Panic overwhelmed him as he held my hand and tried to keep me awake. He called my name many times, but I couldn't respond. I just smiled sickly. He started to cry. The rest of the band poked their heads in to see what was going on. They all started to cry, C.C. being the loudest. He fell to the ground, cursing himself for not saving me. He screamed and pounded the floor, unable to deal with something like that. Jake looked like he was going to throw up, which he did on the living room floor. He sat there, silently, not knowing how to react. He just stared blankly as a stream of tears soaked his face. Jinxx called an ambulance, but no one could understand him through his shaky sobs. Seeing them cry was heart breaking. They were my brothers. I didn't want to hurt them. I never realized how much this would hurt them. I thought this was what they wanted.

"Andy, why… please just stay with me, please! Andy, oh my god, I'm so sorry! I never knew. I was such an ass!" Ashley yelled at me through his crying. He hugged me as tightly as he could as if his life depended on it. He didn't care if the blood smeared on his body. He held me, rocking back and forth, and he shook uncontrollably. I was extremely weak, so I used the last of my strength to mutter the words, "I thought you didn't care." And the darkness enveloped me completely.

I was finally at peace.

**A/N: This was my first fanfiction so I really appreciate any reviews, comments, and constructive criticism! I'm not sure if I could possibly continue this or leave it as it is, so please let me know your thoughts! Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

The unpleasant smell of blood and disinfectants filled my nose. A constant beeping and low hum of some machine seemed to come from my left. I could hear mumbles and soft sobs coming from various points throughout the area I seemed to be in. I refused to open my eyes, still very tired, and I felt extremely weak. I suddenly realized something. I had failed.

I wasn't dead. I couldn't even succeed in death, no matter how badly I wanted to die. They must have brought me to a hospital. But why couldn't they just let me die? I thought they didn't care, and that they had wanted me dead anyways. Why save me? I'm not worth saving.

The mumbles grew a bit louder along with a few sobs. I didn't dare open my eyes. I wanted to listen to their conversation.

"I can't believe I hadn't noticed this before!" This voice seemed to be from Ashley, and he seemed close by. I heard him sigh heavily.

"None of us believe it, but it happened. Stop blaming yourself, Ash." This seemed to be Jinxx, and I was glad he was calm. He always managed to stay calm in the worst situations. I heard a soft pattern of knocks, almost like something hitting the wall. It slowly grew louder and a bit faster, but not too heavy.

"CC, stop doing that! You'll hurt yourself! Plus, you need all the brain cells you have left," Jake tried joking, voice cracking multiple times. He had been crying obviously, but he always tried lightening the mood, to no avail. The banging, which I assumed to be CC hitting his head on the wall, ceased. There was a deafening silence hanging in the room. Someone began crying softly, and I heard Ashley fidget in his chair. Jinxx paced back and forth. I didn't think they would care so much. I felt my foot falling asleep, so I wiggled my toes once or twice to get the feeling back. I heard Ashley gasp softly.

"Guys, guys!" He nearly shouted, only to be hushed by the others. He quieted but was whispering as loud as he could. "I think he moved! He's probably waking up!" I felt all eyes on me, and I debated opening my own. I could feel their anticipation, and I finally gave in. I slowly opened my eyes. A blazing white light blinded me for a few moments, and I blinked many times. I searched my surroundings. I was definitely in a hospital.

The walls were a light cream color with one window to the left and the door to the right. Many monitors and machines were hooked to my arms. There were two chairs and a small couch in the room. CC and Jake had occupied the couch, but sat on opposite ends and on the edge of the seat. Jinxx stood by the door, and Ashley stood right by my bed to the left of me. I wouldn't dare make eye contact with any of them. Part of me wanted to kick them out of my room, but another part of me just wanted them there with me. I was still too tired to do anything anyways. Light blue cotton blankets covered me from chest down, but my arms lay on top of them.

My arms. They had probably seen my arms, I was sure they knew about my cutting. As I looked down at my bare arms, white gauze had been wrapped around my arms from my wrists to about an inch below my elbows. All of the other scars and fresh cuts above the elbows were still exposed. I had always been so careful not to let them find out about my self harm. The last thing I ever wanted to do was have to face my band mates after a failed suicide attempt about myself. I hated talking about myself, and I wasn't about to start.

I decided that I couldn't avoid them forever, so I solemnly lifted my eyes into Ashley's. His deep brown eyes softened at mine, and he smiled sheepishly. The others did the same. Jinxx finally sat in the chair in the corner, while Ashley assumed a spot on the edge of my bed. I saw a heart-breaking mixture of emotions in his eyes. They were filled with sadness, pity, shame, guilt, anger, and many emotions I couldn't detect. I could only imagine what he was thinking. I couldn't keep eye contact and quickly averted my gaze. I stared at the bandages on my arms, refusing to look away. Ashley cleared his throat.

"Andy… I'm-" I knew where the conversation was going, and I didn't want to talk about it.

"Don't… Please just don't…" I whispered hoarsely. I went to hold up my hand to gesture for him to stop, but I really was just exhausted. Sorrowful thoughts swam in Ashley's eyes and I knew he blamed himself. I mean, he should feel bad! He was the reason I was here, why I went so deep. He was probably the reason I lived, too, and I bitterly hated him for that. But then again, he was my best friend. I never wanted to see him in such pain, and I almost felt bad for him.

"No, Andy. We are going to talk to you about this whether you want to or not. We are going to help you with… this." Ashley spoke very sternly. He was always stubborn and when his mind was set on something, he would get what he wanted in any way possible. I lightly clenched my fists because my wrists slightly burned when I moved them. I looked him dead in the eyes, and just glared.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't need help! Will you just leave me the hell alone?" My voice rose and unfortunately cracked twice. I watched the others' eyes widen and turn to my heart monitor. It rapidly rose and spiked as Ashley and I stared into each others eyes coldly. Jake seemed extremely worried.

"Andy, maybe you should calm down? You know, before your heart explodes or something?" He smiled sheepishly, but I refused to break my glare at Ashley. Jinxx put a hand on Ashley's shoulder, giving him a stern glare. This caused Ashley to look away, so I half-heartedly smirked, feeling a childish pride that he broke first. I looked up at CC, realizing he had been unusually quiet. He seemed extremely angry at me and uncomfortable, but I couldn't figure out why. I shrugged it off and lay back down on the fluffy pillows. I yawned. Jinxx spoke up from the corner of the room.

"Andy, the nurse said that you would probably be tired when you woke up, maybe you should get some sleep." I shook my head slowly. Of course I was tired, but I didn't want them to get anymore chances to talk about me. I turned my head as the door opened and a petite old nurse walked into my room. She made it clear to everyone that only one person could be in my room with me at once. The guys each said a quiet and sorrowful goodbye to me, and one by one left the room except for CC. He still sat on the couch glaring intensely at me. I cocked my head to the side in confusion. He didn't pity me like the others. Soon, my world came crashing down. He stood up furiously and chucked a small black object at me and I froze, paralyzed in complete shock and fear.

_He found my notebook._

**A/N: I decided to continue with this story. I hope you like it! Please comment your thoughts, thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

I felt my eyes widen involuntarily and I shrunk back into my bed with fear and shame. I felt CC's scowl burning through me. I wouldn't dare make eye contact. How did he find it? I hoped with all of my being that he hadn't read it, but obviously he had. I had felt more ashamed than ever before. That meant he knew about my eating disorders now, too. I wondered if he told the others. He suddenly spoke.

"Why? I get that you're stressed- we all are- but the stuff that you wrote in there… That's hardcore depression, Andy. And all those… _things_… that you did to yourself. Why? You know you could've just come to us, Andy! Why the hell wouldn't you just come to us…?" His voice trailed off, and I knew he blamed himself as did Ashley. The worst part was that I knew that someday they would find out. I just hoped they wouldn't ask why. Because I don't know why. I don't know what was wrong with me; I knew I had other options. But I turned to other ways out, and I don't know why.

"I… I don't know," I sheepishly replied. CC shook his head and though his scowl remained plastered to his face, his eyes were soft and concerned. He just wanted to help. We sat in silence for a minute as he processed my notebook.

"How did you find my notebook?" I asked, honestly very curious. He sat on the edge of the bed.

"After you… you know-" he paused and squeezed his eyes shut, remembering the awful incident. "Well Jinxx knew that we had to stop this from ever happening again, so we took out everything sharp from the bus. I knew you probably had hidden razors, so I checked under your mattress and found it." He simply stated. I nodded slowly.

"Everything sharp?" He nodded. I furrowed my brow. "No razors or knives? How will we shave or cut our food?" I asked. He tilted his head, suggesting that he hadn't thought about it before. Then his face lit up a bit.

"I don't know about shaving… But we can cut everything with spoons." He and I smiled a bit, but it didn't last long.

"Did you tell anyone else about my notebook, or did they read it?" I was extremely fearful that the others would find out about my eating disorders too. Yet, CC reassured me that only he had read it, so I made him promise (against his will, with a lot of protesting on his part) to not tell the others about the notebook or my eating disorders. After I finally got him to agree, there was a soft knock on the door, and Jake poked his head in. CC nodded, getting the message that Jake wanted a turn to talk to me. As CC stood, I quickly spoke to Jake.  
"Could we talk later? I'm really tired." He smiled lightly and nodded, and exited my room with CC. It was just me and my thoughts again. I didn't want to go to sleep, because every time I closed my eyes, I remembered what had happened, all the blood and the crying, the sadness heavy in the air. It was suffocating me and I didn't want to return to the scene in my dreams, too.

The sun set outside of my window and I watched as the pale blue sky changed to sweet oranges and vibrant reds, I felt a calm sensation surge through my body. My eyelids drooped and I knew I couldn't stay awake longer. But me, being as stubborn as I was, decided to try to find a way to stay awake. I decided to reread a few passages from my notebook. I grabbed it from the side table where I had set it before Jake walked in, and I slowly opened it up to a random page in the middle, and began to read.

* * *

**Dear journal, **(I decided not to ever call it a diary because that was something for teenage girls, so I always just began with a simple "Dear journal") **I cut again tonight. I haven't done it many times before and I'm still not very sure I know what I'm doing but it always feels so right. It is like euphoria and I can't see myself making it long without it. It's become an addiction of sorts, like a drug. I remember when I was younger I always told myself I'd never do that to myself, but now I can't imagine living without it. That is, if you consider this living. I'm not alive anymore. It's like my body is moving and awake but it's just a shell of the old me. I'm hollow and dead inside, nothing left of me but fragments. I can't remember what it is like to be happy anymore. Sometimes, when I fake a smile, I can almost remember what it was like to be real. But now I just exist, and even then, I don't exist to many people. The boys and I went out to eat. I just started bingeing because my anorexia became hard to hide. I ate a few bites of pizza, and acted normal. I excused myself to the restroom soon after and forced my fingers down my throat to throw up. I returned soon and just acted normal. I don't think anyone knows about anything yet, and I'd like to keep it that way. No one will ever know. If anyone did, they wouldn't care. No one seems to care. I'm all alone in a world full of hate. **

**Maybe I'll survive to write another entry.**

**-Andy**

* * *

I remembered that day, almost a year ago. Not much had even changed since then, until recently of course. But now I realized what must've went through CC's mind as he read these dark passages of my self-hatred and abuse. I just wished I could've taken everything back and started over. But the past was the past, and there was no going back. All I could do was move forward.

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long and it wasn't very good, but please review! It means a lot to me, and I promise (and hope) the next chapter will be better!**


	4. Chapter 4

I slowly pried open my eyes as I felt a small pair of hands shaking me. I jumped a bit as I saw a large pair of magnified eyes staring me in the face. The old lady just shook her head and grinned. She backed up and checked my heart rate among a few other things before asking what I wanted for breakfast. I shrugged and told her I didn't want anything. The elderly nurse bitterly frowned and shuffled out of my room. I laid my head on my chalk white pillow and glanced at the clock. Eight in the morning was far too early for me to be up, but I didn't bother trying to fall asleep again. I reached over to my bedside table for my phone. A new text from Jake had appeared on my screen, so I opened it. It read:

**Hey, Andy. Text me when you're up. We gotta talk. No fair CC got to go first!**

**-Jakeeeeee**

I smiled at his childishness and slowly yawned and stretched. I replied with a simple text saying he could come in now. I rubbed the crusty substance from my eyes and just rested on my side for what seemed like half an hour. Finally, I heard the eerie creak of my door swinging open. I turned onto my back to watch a solemn Jake tiptoe into my room. I smiled shyly at him and he returned the gesture. I had hoped he wouldn't look at me like everyone else had. There was this awful piteous look in everyone's eyes that sent shivers down my spine. I hated being pitied, especially over something as simple as this. I cleared my throat and began to greet him, but he quickly cut me off.

"I'm sorry!" he blurted out and soon sank onto the edge of my bed in a fit of shaky sobs. Shocked by his sudden outburst, I awkwardly patted his back and hushed him. Seeing anyone cry made me feel a bit sad inside, but when Jake cried, the whole world cried with him. It was heartbreaking, and I immediately felt a terrible sense of guilt hanging over my head. Eventually, Jake quieted enough for me to speak. I used the calmest tone I possibly could, as to not upset him any further.

"Sorry for what?" I remained calm but the confusion was evident on my face and in my voice. He looked up to my eyes and wiped a few tears from his face. He smiled very slightly, but just noticeable enough for me to catch it.

"Well, for one, for getting your bed all wet with… tears… and for not seeing this before. For not being there for you when you needed me the most. For being an asshole and just not helping you." His eyes plead for forgiveness and I just looked down and nodded, searching for the right words. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, but it wasn't. Nothing was okay.

"Jake, I forgive you. You couldn't have known. It's… It's all over now. It can only get better from here." I was suddenly attacked in a tight bear hug from Jake, and though I could feel my ribcage being crushed and I could hardly breathe, it somehow brought us both a sense of comfort. After just sitting there for a few seconds, Jake released me and just sat on the edge of the bed, smiling. He wiped away his tears and stood slowly. He went about midway to the door and turned around to me. He grinned.

"Thank you, Andy. Just for being you, I guess. And I will help you. If it kills me in the process, I'll find a way to help you." I went to object to needing 'help' but he had already turned away from me and left me to myself in my lonely pale room. I simply sat in my bed for what seemed like hours, just contemplating the eventful past week.

My thoughts were interrupted by another text, this time from Jinxx. He said that he was close by because he had taken Sammi out for lunch, and asked if he could stop by the room with her quickly. I agreed, though highly debated whether or not I wanted Sammi to come to my room. I loved her like a sister, of course, but she was my friend's wife, and I never talked to her much anymore. Granted, I had never talked to anyone anymore. So I decided that she might as well come. I waited for about five minutes until they showed up. Sammi, with record-breaking speed, hurried over and engulfed me in a hug equally as tight as Jake's had been. I stiffened under her intense grasp, but soon relaxed and melted into her hug. I looked over to Jinxx anxiously. He was one of the single most jealous people I had ever known, but instead of the death glare I had anticipated, his mind seemed drifting, wandering elsewhere to something obviously more important. Sammi released me and backed up to Jinxx, where she wrapped her arm around his waist, instantly waking him from his daze. He smiled at me, though still distracted. I wondered why he was so distant, but I didn't question him.

"Hey, Andy. We brought you a few things from lunch because we figured you wouldn't want any hospital food." He lifted up a small bag from some Italian restaurant I hadn't heard of and set a few items on my bedside table. I thanked him and took a small bite of some Italian dish that I couldn't pronounce. It was good, and I honestly missed food. I hadn't eaten much but the bland bagels and coffee from the hospital cafeteria, and I was eternally grateful that they brought me real food. I felt extremely guilty for eating, but I promised myself I'd throw it up later. Sammi and Jinxx chatted amongst each other quietly as I ate. They constantly grinned and looked at me, reminding me of teenage school girls with a secret they couldn't tell. I shot a suspicious glance at them both, and Sammi giggled. She finally stood and smirked at me.

"Andy, we need to tell you something. We thought we'd tell you first because of the other something I have to say to you that'll make sense later when you hear the first thing I say about what I said originally." In unison, Jinxx and I just looked at each other in confusion, and returned our attention to Sammi. "I'm…" she paused dramatically and I rolled my eyes playfully at her.

"You're what?" I questioned. Jinxx smirked at me, obviously catching on to where Sammi was going. She finally squealed and grinned.

"I'm pregnant!" She jumped up and down for a few seconds. Though I was confused on why she decided to tell me this, I congratulated her anyways and watched as Jinxx kissed her on the cheek. He returned his attention to me, a more serious though joyful look spread on his face.

"And the second thing we wanted to tell you was that we want you to be the godfather of him or her." I grinned widely, honored that someone would choose me for that. It was a moment of pure joy that I hadn't had in an extremely long amount of time. I accepted, and Sammi squealed again. She hugged me tightly, and laughed. Jinxx checked the clock on the wall and jumped up, grabbing his coat. He declared that they needed to leave right away, or they would be late to their first doctor's appointment. They said their goodbyes as they rushed out the door. I smiled, but a wave of guilt and sadness rushed over me. I remembered the food I had just eaten.

I ran into the bathroom to the right of my bed, shoving my fingers forcefully down my throat and throwing up into the toilet. I repeated the process until I felt that my stomach was empty, and sank against the wall. Who would ever want someone like me around their kids? Who would ever want me around them at all?

**A/N: I know, this isn't that great of a chapter. I'm trying to update whenever I can! Next chapter should be really good, I hope. Keep reviewing! Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

I slowly pushed my food around my plate with the cold plastic fork from the cafeteria. The kind elderly nurse always brought me a few meals in bed though she knew I wouldn't ever eat them. I was grateful for her kindness, but never honestly told her. I made a mental note to thank her the next time I saw her. My cell phone buzzed on the bedside table. I rapidly scooped it up to open the message. For the last couple of days, I was anxiously awaiting a visit, a call, or even a mere text from Ashley. All of the boys and occasionally some of their girlfriends had come to periodically take turns visiting me and talking to me until I was too tired to speak. All except for Ashley, that is. I opened the message, slightly disappointed to find it from Jinxx.

**Hey. Ashley might visit today. Be ready. But don't get your hopes up yet… **

**-Jinxx**

My head was filled with rushing thoughts and jumbled emotions. I wasn't sure whether I was completely ecstatic that my best friend would finally see me improving, or completely terrified of the outcome of our discussions. Either way, I couldn't help but smile. I missed Ashley like I never thought I could. Now was the time when I really needed my best friend to be there for me.

I placed my tray of assorted unpleasant cafeteria foods onto the bedside table and picked up the sleek black remote. I pushed the red button at the top right corner and watched as the television screen sprang to life. I hadn't watched television in an extremely long time, and a few episodes of Batman were extremely overdue. I flipped through many channels, though let down by the absence of any Batman show, I decided on a simple crime show. I didn't focus much on the show, however, being that I was far too distracted by the many scenarios of the future discussions taking place soaring through my head.

Lost in thought, and what seemed like an eternity later, the wooden door of my room swung open to reveal my best friend standing in the doorway. I shot off the television and just took a moment to take in Ashley's presence. His eyes seemed quite bloodshot, but I couldn't decide whether the cause was crying or just drinking. He didn't have any makeup on which was highly unusual, but the faded traces of eyeliner and war paint still outlined his eyes and jaw line. His hair was still perfectly done though, and I suddenly realized how my disheveled hair must look. I ran my fingers through my unkempt hair as I tried to decipher the emotion on his face, though he remained completely blank. I gestured him in, and as he shut the door, he paused to sigh. He refused eye contact, and simply stood at the edge of my bed.

"Ashley I-" I began but was swiftly cut off.

"Save it." He growled and shook his head. I felt a sense of anger rising in the pit of my stomach, but I swallowed it and just remained silent.

"I am going to speak and you need to listen to me. Not just hear me but **listen **to me. Understand?" I nodded my head and he continued.

"I'm not even sure where to start. I've planned this for days and all of a sudden, my thoughts are just out the window! I guess all I ever needed to know was why. You've probably been asked that a lot but I want a real answer. I mean, come on Andy! You have so many people who love you and care about you. Don't you love them back?" I nodded solemnly. "Then why would you do this to them… to me? I bet you thought we didn't care, that we wouldn't understand or we'd condemn you for it?" I looked into his deep brown eyes and just sighed. He really did understand. Honestly, those were exactly my thoughts. It was like he knew, but I wasn't sure how.

"Andy, I bet you thought you were alone. All alone in this big, scary, dark place we call home. You thought you were a freak for everything you did, that everyone judged you even when you did everything you could to please them. You and I both know I'm right." My eyes widened, not believing how well he could comprehend my situation. I started to speak again, but he ignored me.

"Andy… I know about your eating disorders." I gasped in disbelief. How could he have possibly known without reading my journal? I know he hadn't being that CC had sworn to me that no one else saw it, and he wouldn't lie to me. But there was no other possible explanation for it. Not one that I could come up with, at least. He chuckled very lightly at my shocked expression.

"Bet you're wondering how I knew? Andy. Maybe I can explain it to you like this." He slowly lifted up his shirt, revealing something that I had never dreamed would be true. I couldn't believe I never noticed or knew, but the proof was staring me right in the face. Across Ashley's stomach and sides, cuts just like mine were deeply carved into the skin. Mostly words were formed, such as 'FAT' or 'PERFECT' or even 'UGLY'. Everything was making sense now, though I still just sat paralyzed in shock.

"Andy, for the four years I spent in the hell called high school, I was always a skinny and scrawny kid. But I never saw myself that way. I saw myself the same way you see yourself now. I starved myself for days, weeks, and threw up anything I could manage to force down my throat. Every damn time I gained a pound, I cut my stomach. No one checked for stomachs, only wrists. But as soon as I had an incident where I passed out in gym from starving, I knew I had to change. I scared my mother to death; my father didn't speak to me for weeks. The whole school found out, and all I got were those damn looks of pity. I made sure to eat when necessary after that, though I never gave up the blade. It felt far too good." I almost wanted to cry because I then understood him on a higher level. Pieces fell into place in my head.

That's why Ashley was always on my back about eating all the time. He knew I'd end up like him. I remembered one time while searching the bathroom on the bus for my hidden stash of razors, I found one that didn't seem to look like the rest of mine, and I didn't remember hiding it there. Yet, I brushed it off as just me being paranoid or forgetful. It was Ashley's. Everything clicked in my brain, and I found myself at a loss for words. It was fine, however, since Ashley wasn't finished explaining.

"Remember the night when you did… you know… tried to k-kill yourself? When I saw you, just lying there, I knew it was my fault. I recognized the signs. I was almost sure you were headed in the same direction I was going in and I did nothing to stop it. I blamed myself then and I still do now. Can you understand that?" His eyes pleaded for forgiveness, though I knew he wouldn't accept any. That one idiotic decision I made would forever haunt Ashley's conscience.

"Ashley, I understand. But you did try to stop it. You would always badger me about waking up, getting ready and eating properly, about staying positive. Plus, it was because of you that I'm still here today Ashley. You could've left me, but you didn't. I owe you my life Ash, and I'll always be thankful for that. Always. Don't blame yourself for my stupid mistakes! I'm the god damn idiot who made them; not you. We won't ever forget this, and it will always leave the scars on our hearts, minds, and souls. But we can wallow around in our sorrow or we rise up and learn from it. The choice is yours."

With that, Ashley looked up to me, tears streaking down his face and dripping on my sheets. He lunged forwards to hug me and I felt the tears roll down my face as well. For a rather long time, we just sat there; enjoying each others' comforting embrace and the warm silence soothed us both. I couldn't help but smile as he mumbled a few words into my ear:

"We're going to make it through this, Andy. Together."

**A/N: Sorry this took so long to update but was it worth it? This chapter made me want to cry just writing it. Please review, it means a lot! Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

Today was finally the day. I was finally able to be discharged and to go home. I wasn't exactly sure where my "home" was, however. The Church of the Wild Ones tour was cancelled due to my condition, which I highly protested, to no avail. I was sure I didn't want to go back to the bus with the guys, and I no longer lived with Juliet after what had happened a few weeks before. I knew she could never forgive me. I couldn't face my parents for a long time. I made sure everyone I knew didn't alert my parents about what had happened, but I knew after all the media coverage and social media, they would've found out. I wasn't ready to see the disappointment in their eyes. I decided I would have to stay in the nearest hotel.

I sat patiently waiting in my bed before Ashley came to pick me up and discharge me. I had been up since eight in the morning, eager to leave the dreaded hospital. I had dressed and showered, but without my makeup and flat-iron, I still looked a mess. I combed my fingers through my hair as I always did when I was anxious. It was a nervous habit I had even as a kid. I never grew out of it, not unlike other habits. I remembered what Ashley said. He was going to help me to stop all the harm I had done to myself, but how can I just drop something I've done for so many years? Self-harm was my drug, and I was surely addicted. I had no idea how hard it would be, but I tried not to think about. I had ignored the urges and impulses for a week and I was already feeling agitated and moody, constantly angry that I couldn't escape this place for a little while.

The door swung open as Ashley walked into my room and I leapt to my feet. He simply smiled and held up the keys, letting them jingle and clink together like bells.

"I see you're ready to go. Surprised you're even up! It's not even noon!" He grinned as I shook my head. I gathered the few items and random belongings I was brought during my stay and threw them into a small bag Ashley brought. He slung it over his shoulder and we left the room. As I walked down the halls towards the desk, I took in my surroundings. I had never seen outside of my room except for the slight glimpse I would get when someone entered or exited my room. The narrow hallways were a bland white with large wooden doors, small glass windows to the left of the doors and maroon room numbers to the right. Our feet trudged along the white tiles in unison, and we would occasionally look to each other and smile. The silence hung in the air, but it was comforting and far from the awkward silence I was accustomed to.

We took a short left turn and made our way through the few scattered maroon waiting chairs towards the front desk. A skinny brunette woman smiled and greeted us. Ashley filled out a few forms while I impatiently tapped my foot on the floor. I was definitely ready to leave. He handed her the papers and led me to the parking garage. It seemed like an eternity of searching before we finally found his small black car. I jumped inside as he started the engine.

"Where are you going to be staying?" he absently asked as he backed out of the parking spot. I thought for a moment.

"Probably a hotel. I can't stay with my parents or on the bus. And Juliet won't ever let me back in our apartment…" Ashley sighed as we hit a spot of particularly bad traffic. We knew we'd be stuck there for a long time.

"Andy, what even happened between you two? You were perfect one day, and by the next, none of us knew what happened. You just didn't speak anymore. Why?" Now that he wasn't driving very much, he seemed genuinely interested, but I wasn't.

"It was nothing Ash-"

"Well obviously it was something! You don't break up over nothing-"

"I don't want to talk-"

"Just tell me Andy-"

"Just leave it alone-"

"Come on, I'm just-"

"I cheated on her, okay?" I screamed at him. I was furious that he couldn't leave it alone, but it felt amazing to get it off my chest. I stared angrily ahead at the traffic, but I could feel Ashley's wide-eyed stare burning into me.

"I was on tour, Juliet was at home. Do you remember that night in Los Angeles? The one party we went to where CC was kicked out for making out with the bartender that was a guy? I was drunk out of my mind, and I didn't know what was happening. I saw a girl who I thought was Juliet, and things just happened so fast. I didn't want to lie to Juliet, so I confessed to her the next time I saw her. She cried and she… she slapped me. I broke her heart and I can't ever fix that. She will never forgive me, and if I were her, I wouldn't forgive me either. Happy?"

Ashley sighed and just shook his head. He stared down into his lap. He was at a loss for words, and I was completely ashamed. I could never forgive myself for something like that. And I never would. Ashley didn't say a single word to me for the rest of the thirty-minute drive to the hotel. I wasn't sure if it was of anger that I was so stupid, fear of my outburst, or of anything he could be thinking. He just made sure I got to my hotel and into my room before quickly leaving again.

As I walked into my room, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, but I ignored it. I threw my bag onto the ground and after pulling off the comforter, I leapt into my bed. It felt extremely nice, especially compared to the lumpy bed I had slept on in the hospital. I turned onto my side to grab the remote to watch television. I didn't have many channels in my room, but I was comforted by a few episodes of Batman cartoons. I was just about asleep when there was a soft knock on my door. I jumped up to open it.

In my doorway stood Jinxx with a small bag over his shoulder, smiling. He greeted me and slid past me into my room. I just stared at him in bewilderment as he began to lay out a few things of his, grabbing water from the mini fridge and sitting on the couch. I just stood by my door, staring until he finally looked over to me. His face matched my confusion.

"What?"

"I could ask you the same. Why are you in my room?" I shut the door and sat on the edge of my bed. He chuckled and turned to lie on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

"Didn't you get Ashley's text? He was kind of worried that he left you here alone so we decided that to make sure nothing _bad_ happened, we'd take turns staying over here with you. You know, so you're not lonely?" He laughed and I scrambled to find my phone. I checked my messages, and sure enough, Ashley had sent me a message earlier. I groaned. I didn't exactly like the idea of a sleepover but I guess they meant well. I just felt like being alone.

"Fine, but you get the couch. I swear, if I find you in this bed by morning-" He dramatically gasped and laughed at me.

"What kind of guy do you think I am, Andy? I have a wife, and same goes for you. No sneaking onto the couch by me in the night if you get nightmares or something!" I just grinned and crawled under the covers. I felt a strong urge to cut, but I knew I couldn't while Jinxx was here. It was hard to fight it, though. It was like putting a large cake in front of a starving man and telling him not to eat it. It was nearly impossible. As soon as I heard the muffled sounds of Jinxx's snores into the pillow, I leapt into action.

Swiftly but quietly, I crept across the floor to the bathroom. The hotel didn't supply razors and I didn't have anything sharp. I had absolutely nothing. I started panicking, frantically searching for something- anything sharp enough to break the skin. I couldn't take the urges anymore. I went through cabinets and drawers until I saw it. Jinxx left his makeup bag in the bathroom. I honestly hoped he left his razor in it, and fortunately he did. I grabbed it and examined it like it was the most precious and valuable item in the entire world. I slid against the wall to the floor and held out my scar-covered wrist. I pressed the cold metal to my warm flesh and watched as the red liquid seeped out under it. I dragged it across an old scar reopening it.

Adrenaline surged through my veins, though it quickly faded as I began to feel the once dulled pain. I winced in pain as I made a second incision, letting a small cry of pain escape my lips on the third. By the fourth, I saw from my peripheral vision that Jinxx had already ran into the room, trying to restrain me. I was much smaller and weaker than him, so I let him hold my hands behind me as I struggled and cried out for him to let me go. The razor fell to the floor and Jinxx kicked it to the other side of the room. I growled and moaned but his grip didn't loosen any more. I just sat there, arm dripping in fresh crimson blood as Jinxx sat, mortified by my actions. He could never understand. I never expected him to.

By the time he managed to soothe me enough to let me go, my arm had stopped oozing blood and began to dry on the floor. Jinxx stood to wet a cloth to clean my wrist and the mess I made of the bathroom. I sat in the corner, staring into the darkness that surrounded me. The silence hung awkwardly in the air as he finished cleaning. He helped me to my feet and into bed. I never heard his snoring return. He stayed awake in fear of another breakdown. I stayed awake for the same reason. And we both sat, staring into the darkness, until the sun rose once again.

**A/N: I'm so sorry that this took so long to write! I've been busy. But hope that this makes up for it? Hope you like it so far! Keep reviewing, it means a lot. Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

The smell of bacon wafted through the sheets I pulled over my face at some point in the night of restless sleep. Jinxx was softly humming The Legacy from the kitchen, and I could hear the crackling and popping of fresh bacon. The mere sound made my mouth drool, but I just kept my composure. I could not gain any more weight.

My arms were burning at my sides, I pulled them up to my face, and suddenly the memory of last night's events came rushing back into my mind. I gasped slightly, but clasped my hands to my mouth. I did not want him to know I was awake. If I could have, I would have stayed in bed and avoided him for the rest of the day.

I heard Jinxx make his way towards my bed, so I squeezed my eyes shut in a failed attempt at pretending to be asleep. He sat down next to me and shook my shoulder gently, to which I just groaned. He chuckled and shook me again, a bit harder.

"I made bacon! I know you want some!" he cooed in a sing-song voice that I could not help but laugh at. I pulled the covers tighter over my head and let my body sink further into the foamy mattress. I felt the weight of the bed shift quickly, and I noticed he left. It seemed too easy to get rid of him like that, so I lifted the sheets a little and peered through the crack. Unfortunately, as soon as I began searching the room for him, I felt an icy cool liquid drench my entire body and bed. I leapt out of bed, horrified by the freezing water I was soaked in. I heard a chorus of laughter, and turned to see my four band mates giggling like teenage girls. CC stood holding the bucket, so it was not hard for me to deduce who the culprit was.

"CC. What. The. Hell. I will so kill you for this one!" I growled and started towards him. He quickly dropped the bucket and sprinted to the bathroom, being sure to lock the door behind him. I considered picking the lock, but I was still groggy and shivering from head to toe.

The laughter from the band died down as I reentered the living room. I sat at the coffee table in the living room with me head in my hands. The guys helped themselves to plates full of bacon and scrambled eggs. Ashley came over to me with a small plate and a towel. He draped the towel over my shoulders and placed the plate in front of me. I smiled softly because he remembered the exact way I liked my breakfast. I had not even had a breakfast in such a long time- not counting the hospital sludge I forced down my throat- but somehow Ashley remembered from years ago the exact way to prepare my breakfast for me. It was a small portion of food, but Ashley promised me we would take baby steps to recovery.

I heard the bathroom door click open and CC cautiously tiptoed to the kitchen, careful to avoid direct eye contact with me. After we had all finished our meals, Jake threw the dishes in the sink as we all sat in various places among the living room. I still had a question burning in my mind.

"So why are all of you here? I thought you were all busy?" I inquired them all, and they all just smiled sheepishly at me. Ashley finally spoke up.

"We all canceled our plans. We realized that since we became a band, we haven't really done anything really fun. And we knew it was your first real day out, so we all decided that today is the day we go somewhere super fucking awesome. I'm sure you'll enjoy it, Andy." He grinned with the rest of the band. They all made it clear that I could not know where we were going until we got there. They just told me to get dressed and wear comfortable shoes.

I took a very quick shower, being that I absolutely hated the burning sensation of the water beating down on fresh cuts. I dressed in simply a batman t-shirt, some skinny jeans, and a pair of comfortable black leather boots. I applied a thin layer of eyeliner, straightened my hair, and grabbed a black sweatshirt off the floor. We walked down to the parking garage to Jinxx's car. It seated all five of us, but it was a small car. As soon as we were all able to squeeze ourselves into the car, he began to drive.

We drove for about an hour to get there. They made sure that I couldn't find out where the surprise was. CC had fallen asleep on my shoulder while Ashley and Jake continued an argument over the conflicting bass and guitar lines of a song for our next album. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally arrived where the boys had been so excited to go all day. My mouth dropped as I realized where we were.

We pulled into the parking lot, and as soon as I had woken CC up, he began bouncing in his seat in anticipation like a toddler. We nearly leapt out of the car, excited to go inside. Jake paid for our tickets, and we immediately ran inside.

"What do you want to do first?" Ashley asked me, but I honestly was not sure. I hadn't been here since I was a very small child, so I was a cocktail of emotions. I shrugged.

"I want to go on the Zero Gravity ride first! Oh please, can we go?" CC whined. I looked over to the massive green ride. It was cylindrical with an open top. The concept was that you are strapped on to the side of the walls, and as the ride tilts completely sideways, it spins to fast that you become stuck to the side. It used to be my favorite ride as a child, so I eagerly agreed, and all five of us headed to the line.

After the ride, I was excited to try more rides. Jake left to the concession stand for some pizza and lemonade, Ashley and Jinxx left to compete for a large stuffed giraffe in a test-your-strength game. CC and I went on several different rides and roller coasters until he was far to dizzy to even stand. We all met back at the table with Jake who was on his fourth piece of pizza. Ashley had won the penguin and was quite proud of it, and it obviously annoyed Jinxx.

"Guys, I can't see you all straight. It's like there's seven of you!" CC moaned and we all laughed. Ashley grinned and looked at Jinxx.

"Maybe I should name my penguin LOSER so he can be like you!"

"But you cheated! The whole thing was rigged. You flirted with the woman who ran it! She wasn't even pretty, you ass." Ashley simply shrugged.

"It's a gift. The perks of the unmarried life!" He put his hands behind his head and placed his feet on the table in an attempt to look cool. I laughed as Jinxx flipped Ashley off.

He shoved the penguin in Jinxx's face and he just growled. We laughed again, and I realized something. For the first time in a very long time, a smile of pure happiness was spread on my face. Not forced or just meant to hide the sadness. I was happy, and I couldn't be happier than with the best band mates I ever could have asked for. That was until I saw something- or someone- that completely ruined my whole day.

Juliet.

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**A/N: I am so sorry that I haven't updated. I honestly thought no one was reading it. But here's a cliffhanger for you to make up for it. Thank you so much for reading and following! Keep reviewing, it really helps with criticism or just a little love(: Sorry again!**


	8. Chapter 8

_Juliet_.

Of all people I could have seen, it had to be her. Beside her stood Sammi who was just beginning to show her baby bump. I guessed that Sammi came to see Jinxx and brought Juliet with her. Of course I knew that I could not avoid her forever, but that did not mean that I wanted to face her now. I broke her heart and I could never fix that. She looked so beautiful, almost glowing in the soft sunlight. I missed her warm embrace, her soothing voice at night, her brilliant eyes staring lovingly into mine. I missed all of her, but she could never forgive me. I could never forgive myself, and she deserved better than someone like me. Someone broken and damaged like me would just drag her down. But I would always love her no matter how much she hated me.

As they both seemed to be searching for Jinxx, he took notice of them and waved them over. I sank lower into my chair and averted my gaze to the pebbles and dirt of the fairgrounds. Juliet still seemed to be searching for someone, but I was not sure who she could be looking for. As they walked over, Ashley glanced over at me, as if to make sure I would be okay. I simply nodded to him in reply, and I watched them sit down on the other side of the table. I still refused to look into her eyes, but I smiled warmly at Sammi. She kissed Jinxx for a moment and CC just groaned in disgust. It broke the tension, and we all quietly laughed.

"Jinxx, I got your message. Sorry I am late, but she took forever to find an outfit!" Sammi laughed as Juliet simply shrugged. I knew how she loved to take at least half an hour each day to pick out an outfit. Today, she really did look stunning. She wore my favorite outfit of hers, and I was not sure if it was intentional or not. It was a small black splatter-painted t-shirt with a ripped cutout of a skull on the back, a pair of bleached shorts and a blue pair of vans. She curled her hair how I loved it, and she looked gorgeous. I never knew how much I missed her until she uttered the words that shattered my heart.

"Well I had to look good for my date." My eyes shot into hers and she was already staring into mine. There was a mixture of sadness and guilt in her eyes, but a glint of happiness and almost revenge. Like she never it would hurt me to see her with someone else. It really did. I felt the color drain from my face, and it was obviously noticeable since Ashley and Jake both shot me a worried look. I felt tears brimming in my eyes, but I knew this was for the best and I needed to move on. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued to stare coyly at the ground. The tension in the air was so thick; you could cut it with a knife. Then, she did the unexpected.

"Oh, there he is! I'll wave him over- Baby! I'm over here! Come sit with us-" She turned to us again and whispered, "You all met him before, right? So you like him?" As I lifted my eyes slowly to see the face of Juliet's new boyfriend, I felt my heart drop. It was none other than Kellin Quinn. I was never a fan of Sleeping with Sirens, but I knew Kellin was a great person and he would take care of Juliet better than I ever could. Even as I reassured myself that it was for the best, I found myself feeling so jealous and hateful towards him that I could lunge at him at any given moment. I cleared my throat.

"I, umm… I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." I half walked and half ran into one of the old stalls of the public restroom at the fair. I sank against the cold metal wall of the stall and let the tears fall freely down my cheeks. I was being selfish and childish, but I could not help it. All of the old feelings returned at once and I felt myself falling deeper and deeper back into the grave I had dug for myself since the first cut. I felt the urges, and they were so strong and irresistible. I searched my pockets, frantic for a razor or pin, anything to break the skin. I usually kept emergency blades in my pockets, but the boys had done a very thorough search of my possessions. Finally, I remembered it. I ripped off my shoe and lifted the sole. I saw the small glint of the sharp metal that I had come to know so well. I snatched it out of my shoe and looked at it for a minute. It seemed as if everything in my mind and heart that I was feeling could all disappear because of this tiny object. I rolled up the sleeves of my black sweatshirt, and I began.

One for Juliet. Two for Kellin. One for each person I disappointed, and another for seemingly no reason at all. It felt so right to relapse, and so wrong at the same time. All of my pain was concentrated into this blade, slashing carelessly at my arm. As I finished, I threw the razor back into my shoe, and just sat there for a minute. The thoughts racing through my mind were drowned out by the slow drip of the blood onto the floor. The sickly dark red droplets merged with the dingy white tiles, and as sickening as it was to others, it seemed like a masterpiece to me. My breathing slowed but my heart was racing. I grasped at the toilet paper and make a makeshift bandage thick enough to stop the blood from seeping through the sweatshirt.

I did not bother rinsing the blade and tucked it under my sole again, placing the shoe on the foot again. I took a minute to compose myself, wipe off the tears and fix my hair. By the time I was finished, I looked normal, though I knew I would have to explain why I was gone for so long. I pushed open the door to the bathroom and made my way back to the table. I simply explained to everyone that a few fans had stopped me along my way, though it earned a few suspicious glances from Ashley and CC. I shrugged and resumed my position staring at the ground. The conversation resumed though I was not paying attention. All I could think about was finding a way to cut again without anyone noticing. The relief was euphoria and I was addicted. And no one could stop me from having it.

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**A/N: Thank you all for reading and reviewing, it really means a lot! I know this chapter kind of sucked but I made it a little longer so I hope it wasn't that disappointing. I'll update as soon as I can, but it might be a little while, because I have exams coming up. Keep reviewing and reading! Thank you again!**


	9. Chapter 9

After what felt like hours of rather awkward small talk with Juliet and Kellin, we decided that it was about time for us to go back to my hotel room. We all said our goodbyes though I made sure to simply avoid the happy couple and make my way towards the car. It was about time to leave, too, since I could feel the blood practically pouring through my makeshift bandage. I leapt into the backseat and waited for the others to drive me home. They soon made their way into their seats, but Jinxx refused to start the car. Everyone eyed me suspiciously, and I sank back into the hot leather of the back seat. Ashley quickly grabbed my arm and I softly grunted in pain, though I hoped they saw it as a grunt of anger. They clearly did not as Ashley threw my arm back to my side.

"Lift up your sleeve. _Now._" Ashley growled at me. I began to protest but he simply repeated himself in a louder fashion. I began again only for him to repeat himself again, which only angered us both further. By now, Jake began to order the removal of my sweatshirt, also, to which I protested. Within a couple of minutes, all four men were angrily shouting at me to lift my sleeves which I hugged closely to my chest, refusing all contact or hints of submission. It became too much, and their voices were increasingly louder. I could not handle it all at once. I threw my hands in the air, causing my sleeves to pull up just enough to see the bandages. A silence spread among the men.

"Are you happy now? You saw them. Hell yeah, I did it again. Go on and tell me how disappointed you are because I already know. But that will not stop me, because I'll never stop. You all can't make me stop." And with that, I stormed out of the car, making sure to slam the door behind me for a dramatic exit. Only CC began to jog after me seeing that the rest of the boys were still in a state of shock. I ignored his requests for me to slow down or stop. I was not exactly sure where I was running to, but I knew it had to be far enough away to clear my thoughts and just be alone. I always loved the feeling of simply being alone.

I reached a small hillside on the outskirts of the fairgrounds that seemed nearly deserted. By now, the stars had come out and the moonlight was beaming down to the mellow grass. I sat on a soft patch of grass and lay on my back to gaze dreamily at the stars. My mind began to drift and wander and I slowly slipped in and out of consciousness when I sensed a presence next to me. My eyes shot up to find a familiar face.

"Hey, why are you out here by yourself?" I sat up, propping myself upon my elbows. I refused to make eye contact, so I trained my eyes upon a particularly bright star. I subconsciously picked at a few blades of grass near my side.

"I wanted to be alone. I needed to clear my thoughts." I watched her nod out of my peripheral vision. She positioned herself similar to me and scooted herself closer. I could smell the vanilla perfume I bought her almost a year ago. It seemed so distant from now that I barely remembered it.

"Anything in particular bothering you? You know I'll always be there to help, to be there for you." I nodded and thought about telling her how much I missed her, and how sorry I really was. I knew she would never forgive me, and that I did not deserve her forgiveness. But I knew that if I never brought it up, it would eat away at me for the rest of my life and I did not want to take the chance of missing this opportunity. I turned to face her and stared directly into her eyes.

"There is something bothering me. I miss you, Dragonfly. I miss your sweet smile and the way we used to cuddle at night. I miss the way your perfume lingers in my room and how you laughed at all of my corny jokes. I miss everything about you. And I know that what I did was unforgivable and you deserve better than someone so broken like me. But I can't stop loving you no matter how hard I try. I don't want to stop loving you because you are my everything. You are my light, my happiness, my sunshine in a lightning storm and my swan in a flock of common pigeons. You are my world and I need you. You save me from myself and you were all that kept me alive at times. Now that I know you belong to someone else, I hate myself for it. I would not blame you if you hated me or never spoke to me again, but I need you to know something. I never stopped loving you and I never will because to me, you are perfect." As I finished, I felt a heavy weight lifted off my chest and I felt ten times happier that I finally confessed to her. I watched as tears streaked down her soft cheeks, and she sobbed lightly.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, I'm so sorry Juliet-" She interrupted by crashing her lips passionately into mine. I longed for the day our lips met again, and it felt just as magical as the first time we ever kissed. Even though I still felt the wet droplets falling onto my face, the warmth of her lips moving in sync with mine was magical. She pulled away and rested her forehead on mine. I grinned intensely.

"Does that mean you forgive me?" She just giggled and nodded. I gently kissed her lips again. Though my lips hungered for more, my mind told me to pace myself. She laid down on the grass again and sighed. I followed her actions, slowly weaving my hand into hers. I knew that she would have to work things out with Kellin, and I knew that things between Juliet and I could never really be the same, but I could not think about it. Right now, the only thing on my mind was my Dragonfly and the glowing stars up above.

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**A/N: This chapter is really short and uneventful, sorry! More of a filler, sorry if it was disappointing. I have so much to cram for final exams this week. But Andy and Juliet are back together, Yay(: Keep reviewing this, I seriously love feedback. Thanks for reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

As it was late at night, I was fairly surprised when I got a call from Jake. I looked over to Juliet, who had fallen asleep on the grass, hand still interlocked with mine. I gently slipped my hand out of her grip and walked a few feet away as not to wake her. I flipped open my phone to answer, but I never got a greeting past my lips.

"Oh thank god you finally answered! Where are you? We have been so worried! You just left and didn't tell us where you were going; do you know how worried we were? Are you listening to me, Andy?" I simply laughed. "What is so funny? Andrew Dennis Biersack, I will kick your ass if you don't tell me why you're laughing."

"Jake, you sound more like my mother than my actual mother does. Calm down, before you hyperventilate or something. I'm fine, I'm with Juliet." I could almost hear his smirk on the other end of the phone call.

"Did you guys, you know… do it?"

"Jake! God, grow up. No, we didn't. Now will you please tell me why you really called?" I wasn't exactly sure why his immaturity angered me, but I felt my face burn slightly in the chill of the midnight breeze. He chuckled, to which I only clenched my fists.

"Well I called to see if you were even alive! Also, all of the guys and their girls are sleeping over at my place tonight, and we wanted you to be there. But mostly to make sure you were alive."

"Aren't we a little old for sleepovers, Jake?"

"You're never too old for sleepovers. It has been fun; I know you'll have fun! Just tell me where you are, I can come pick you and Juliet up. All of the couples are here, but Jinxx and Sammi took the last bed so you can have the couch."

"Fine." I told him the approximate location of the field being that it didn't really have an address, and he told me he could meet me in five minutes. I closed my phone and walked back to Juliet. I knew I should wake her to go to Jake's house with me, but she seemed so peaceful- almost angelic- as she slept. I let her dream freely as I waited for Jake.

Soon enough, I saw the flash of his luminous headlights. He honked the horn, and I quickly hushed him. I knew I couldn't leave Juliet alone in the field, but I didn't want to wake her up. So, I smoothly picked her up to take her with us. I laid her in the backseat with her head resting on my lap. The heated car felt amazing against my chilled skin and gave me a pleasant tingling in my fingers and toes. Juliet curled up against my chest and smiled. I stroked her hair as we drove, whispering sweet nothings into her ear. We quickly arrived at Jake's house, but the lurch of the brakes woke up Juliet.

"Oh my god, where are we?" She looked around terrified as if we had kidnapped her. In a way, I suppose we had, but not in any threatening sort of way. Jake smirked as he hopped out of the car and bounded inside. I explained to her about Jake's phone call and she smiled understandingly. I took her hand in mine and we strolled up the driveway to the sleepover filled with grown men and their equally grown girlfriends. I couldn't help but grin as we opened the door.

CC and Lauren greeted us from the couch and both were obviously quite drunk. They didn't pay much attention to us after that as they started to kiss each other. I quickly shooed them away from the couch.

"No making out on my bed! Shoo! Go away!" I heard Juliet giggle softly as Sammi came leaping down the stairs with Jinxx following tiredly behind her. She hugged us both and squealed once she saw we were holding hands. She congratulated us, though I never honestly understood why. Still, I thanked her and began to sit on the couch when Sammi ripped Juliet away from me.

"Sorry! Girl time is girl time, and we need to catch up!" Juliet shrugged as they ran back upstairs like a couple of teenage girls. Jinxx laughed as he trudged into the kitchen in search of food. CC and Lauren had moved to their bedroom for unknown intentions as Jake bounded downstairs. I could tell he was highly drunk, and I started regretting letting him drive me anywhere. He sat down next to me on the couch.

"Jake, where is Ashley?" Jake opened a bottle of beer and offered me some, but I hurriedly refused. I was never much of a fan of alcohol considering what happened last time I drank it, which happened to be the night I cheated on Juliet. He only shrugged.

"He said he was leaving to buy a couple of pizzas because I wouldn't leave him alone until he left. He never came back and it has been an hour. We would be worried usually, but we figured he probably found some bar or something." Jake's words were highly slurred but still understandable.

"Why would he go to a bar so late? No paparazzi can catch him if it is past midnight." I knew that Ashley had a reputation for being with girls all of the time or repeatedly getting drunk at random bars, but it was never actually true. Management thought it would make him more likeable with a few fans, and Ashley was always willing to do anything for Black Veil Brides, even if it meant pretending to be someone he promised never to be.

"You don't know? After you went all suicidal psycho on us, Ashley kept beating himself up and he really let the drinks take him over. He's kind of been to bars a lot lately, but not fake going. He really goes and gets drunk until he can barely stand." Jake was always brutally honest when he was drunk. I disregarded the fact that he called me a suicidal psycho and began to worry about Ashley. I considered calling him, but I knew it was late and he probably wouldn't answer his phone.

I heard Jinxx return upstairs to Sammi as Juliet prodded down to the couch. Jake left us alone and went into his room will Ella. It was only Juliet and I so I suggested we begin setting up the pull out couch. She seemed a little hesitant.

"What's wrong? If you don't want to share the bed, I could just sleep in the chair. I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." She shook her head and smiled.

"No, I don't have a problem. Sorry, I'm just really tired. Let's make the bed quickly before I pass out!" I laughed softly as we began setting up the bed. As soon as it was completely made up, Juliet crawled under the covers and quickly fell asleep. I laid down on the opposite side and slightly curled into a ball. The urges to cut or to throw up were slowly diminishing as the days went on, and I felt something strange; I felt happy. I welcomed happiness like an old friend. It was an amazing feeling, and all I could hope for would be for it to continue getting better. I honestly believed things were looking up for me. That was until about an hour later.

A deafening shriek could be heard from a bedroom upstairs. I was positive I was the only one awake, but after the scream, many feet could be here scrambling around the house. I leapt off the bed and ran upstairs, leaving a tired and confused Juliet among the warm sheets. The couples all peered groggily out of their bedroom doors: all except for Jinxx and Sammi. I crashed into the room only to find something that would surely bring our lives crashing down.

Sammi sat terrified, doubled over in pain, in a pool of blood surrounding her in the bed. She cried intensely as Jinxx held her hand, sobbing too. Other pairs of eyes peered into the room and I heard multiple gasps and sobs. We all knew what was happening, but no one wanted to acknowledge it. It couldn't be happening.

Sammi had lost her baby.

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**A/N: I felt honestly terrible just writing this. I felt the story was getting too happy. I feel evil. I am so sorry, no one cried right? Good. Hope this drama makes up for the crappy quality of my writing. But my exams end tomorrow so I might be able to update more! Keep reviewing and giving feedback, I love reading the comments(: Thanks for reading!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Tap tap tap._

"Andy, please stop. I know you do that when you're nervous but it's really annoying." She barked at me, but I hardly heard her. The only thing on my mind was Sammi, Jinxx, and their baby.

_Tap tap tap._

"I said knock it off!" She jumped to her feet, fuming. She turned to storm out when Jake grabbed her hand, pulling Ella onto his lap. I stopped tapping my foot but I was no less worried or angry. CC and Jake both ineffectively tried to comfort their girlfriends as we awaited the news. Juliet was in a similar if not worse state of mind than the other girls. I guessed that she was more upset being that she was supposed to be the godmother. I should have held her or tried to console her, but I couldn't make any sense of my scrambled thoughts, let alone move or even speak. We all knew what happened and that there was no chance of good news, but we needed a doctor's official statement for closure, I supposed. I heard CC lightly pound his fists on the table in anger. Ashley had not shown up or attempted to contact us, despite our desperate messages of somberness and sorrow. It angered us all but he was the least of our worries.

"Family of Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson?" A tall and stern-looking man in turquoise scrubs addressed us as we all stood in unison. The silence hung over us like a dark cloud. By the grim look displayed upon his face, we had all of the confirmation we needed. As if on cue, all three women burst into heavy, grieving sobs. A few tears rolled down CC and Jake's cheeks as well as my own. An extreme wave of light-headedness hit me hard, forcing back into my chair. I held my head in my hands. I wanted it all just to go away. I wanted it to be a dream. I wanted to cut. I just wanted a way out.

"I'm very sorry." The man wrung his hands as he stared gloomily at the cold tile floor. "You may want to give them some time alone to cope, but you may all see them now; only two people at a time. I am very sorry." Yet none of us made any effort to move. Somehow, we mentally seemed to agree that they would need some space right now. The doctor slowly retreated to a room down a separate hallway, leaving us to grieve the loss of someone we hadn't even met yet, but we all loved dearly. As if to make matters worse, I heard a light and slightly familiar chuckle from down the hall. I lifted my head to see the one person none of us wanted in our presence at the moment: Ashley.

He stumbled a little, clearly drunk and a bit giggly. His happiness angered us all, some more than others. His smile dropped a little as he seemed to notice our hostility towards him. He threw up his arms, nearly losing his balance, and laughed quite loud.

"What's with the sad faces? You look like someone died or something." He was hardly understandable through his heavy slur and long pauses between each word. I saw the look on Jake's face out of the corner of my eye and I seriously began to fear for Ashley's life. Jake looked as if he was ready to kill, and Ella took notice, too, as she drew back from his arms.

"Where the hell have you been, Ashley? What the hell, man?" Jake stepped towards Ashley, clenching and unclenching his fists in a constant motion. Ashley cocked his head to the side and laughed.

"I was nowhere. Not your business, Jake." His arrogance was aggravating, but I let Jake handle it.

"Really? Not my business? I think it is! We've been calling and texting you all damn night and you didn't respond to a single one. Probably because you've been drunk off your-" Ashley stepped closer and out a finger to Jake's lips.

"Shh. Don't swear, that's naughty." He giggled as Jake slapped his hand away. I knew there was no way to try to communicate with Ashley in such an inebriated state, but Jake had to try, and try he did.

"Cut it out, Ashley! I'm tired of this. You are such an ass, you know that?" Ashley seemed to become more serious in a matter of seconds as Jake threw more insults in his face.

"Shut it, Jake. I didn't do anything. Lighten up. There's nothing wrong with me. There's something so wrong with you!" He held out the word 'you' and Jake suddenly snapped.

"Nothing wrong?! You idiot! Sammi lost her baby! Can't you get that through your thick, drunk skull? Am I speaking in a different language or something? Can you understand that Ashley?" Something suddenly clicked in Ashley's brain, as he stood in shock, unable to say any more slurred comebacks.

"I… I didn't realize…"

"Damn right, you didn't realize! What do you have to say now, you little freak?"

I knew it had gone far enough. Jake began to speak again as I leapt between them, separating them before it got physical. Jake glowered at Ashley as he turned as sprinted, stumbling constantly down the long hospital hallway. We knew Jake was harsh on him, but it was the only way to get him to listen. A seed of guilt seemed to plant itself in the pit of my stomach, but I brushed it off as we all returned to our seats in the silence that remained.

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**A/N: I know, lamest filler chapter ever but it was really sad. I've been really busy lately, I'll try and update soon but I'm going on vacation for the next 5 days. Keep reviewing and commenting, I seriously love the feedback! Thanks for being patient with my lazy ass. Also, sorry for the swearing, especially in this chapter. Sorry if it bothers you. Thanks for reading!**


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